


The One Who Walked Away

by DadaCarrot



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Forgiveness, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Possessive Behavior, Rape/Non-con Elements, Regret, Self-Hatred, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-04 21:37:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20477861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DadaCarrot/pseuds/DadaCarrot
Summary: Hi, I have this story drafted 3 years before but never get to finish it. I'm glad that I 've finally got to complete this. I hope you all will enjoy this short story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I have this story drafted 3 years before but never get to finish it. I'm glad that I 've finally got to complete this. I hope you all will enjoy this short story.

Illumi is a 20 years old, first-year college student. He is from a famous business family. He likes independence. So, when he chose to go to a college far from his family and rented an apartment for himself. He was reunited with his childhood friend, Chrollo when he reached the new city.

“Did you enjoy yourselves?”, Chrollo whispered in Illumi’s ear while sliding his long hair over his shoulders.

“I will enjoy it better if you would just pull it out of me now,” Illumi said while trying to push himself up beneath Chrollo.

“Okay, okay.” Chrollo supported himself up with his arms and rolled to the side.

Illumi huffed and quickly make his way to the bathroom to take a shower. Under the showerhead, he thought to himself, _“Why am I doing this again?”_ When he is done, he kicked Chrollo to disturb him from his nap. “Go clean yourself and leave. It’s almost 8 pm now. I can’t believe I have wasted my evening fooling with you. Now I have to stay up all night to finish up my tutorial work. You should quit spending time every day here. Don’t you felt tired after work nor you have somewhere to be?”

Chrollo peeled his eyes opened and groaned. Slowly he got up and wrapped his arms around Illumi waist from behind, “Why are you so mean to me, Illumi? I just want to spend my time with you that’s all.”

Illumi narrowed his eyes, “Just quit it and move.”

\----------

“Good afternoon, my name is Illumi Zoldyck. First-year student of the business faculty. It’s a pleasure to meet you all. Thank you.” Illumi finished and sat down with his other two so-called friends from the same faculty. While one of his friends is introducing himself, he looked around the room filled by the Archery Club members and stopped when he saw a redhead. The first thought that came to his mind was _“There is a nice-looking guy here too, huh?”_ As if the redhead could listen to his thought, he looked straight at him. Panicked, Illumi quickly glanced to the side. _“What the hell with him?” _

~A few weeks later~

Illumi and some other club members were asked to decorate the club notice board during the club meeting. Taking some papers and stapler, Illumi headed to the notice board at the corridor alone “I will just go and paste these first.” he told his friend. With his hands full, Illumi held the heavy pull-up window glass of the board with his head. Suddenly, Illumi felt the load above his head was gone. Surprised, he turned around to see a strong arm holding the window up on his left side. He then turned to the other side to see that it was the redhead from before right behind him, close.

“What are you doing, dear?” the redhead asked.

“Can’t you see? I’m decorating the club board. By the way, why don’t I see you around much during the club meeting? Are you even one of the Archery Club members? Illumi said plainly.

“Hmm, how do I say this? The president let me do as I wished, so…” the redhead said in a low voice and winked at him.

“I see...” was Illumi only answer indifferently. He turned around and focused back on his task with the redhead holding on the glass window next to him.

At that moment, Illumi still does not know the redhead’s name. He only knows that he is a third-year senior who joined the same club as him.

Stomping into the living room, Illumi sat on his couch and pulled his hands up to stretch his body. “Ah, I’m dead tired! I will never join any of your friend gatherings again.”

Shutting the door behind, Chrollo moved behind the couch and hugged Illumi from behind. “Why?”

“I don’t have any conversation topics with them. It feels so awkward to stay around them. I’m going to be bored to death if not for the music played by the DJ today.”

“You can just join in the conversation. I believe they don’t mind about it and they are easy to talk to.”

“No.” Illumi covered his ears with his hands.

“Didn’t you like to hang out with me sometimes too?”

Illumi lowered his hands and turned to Chrollo, “Why must that ‘sometimes’ always be together with your friends? Seriously, when was the last time we go out together? Just the two of us? It was about three months ago when I asked you to stock up for groceries with me.” Illumi pointed out. There was silence between them. Breathing out a heavily, Illumi entered his room and slammed the door behind.

Illumi hated it that they have never dated like a normal healthy couple. They never went out for movies and food. They only watch television programs and DVD that Chrollo brought, eat the food they take out and stay at home to play computer games during the weekends. Well, only Chrollo is playing and Illumi watched on the side as he doesn’t know how to play. Sometimes, Illumi also considered that perhaps it was part of his fault too as he is still a student with assignments to be completed. However, the more he thought about it, the more irritated he gets. Ever since their relationship gets intimate, that is all they do. Their hang out got lesser and more sex between them. Illumi was confused whether it was because they know each other too long (since they went to the same elementary school as they live at the same vicinity) or because it was due to their frequent intimate actions that cause Illumi to begin lost passion in this relationship. To him, Chrollo was more like a family member than a lover. However, it was also his confusion that held him back from breaking up with Chrollo.

\----------

~Several days later~ 

As if nothing happened on the other day, Chrollo visited Illumi in the middle of the night. He barked into Illumi’s room silently and got onto his bed. Looking at the beautiful sleeping face, Chrollo cupped his face and kissed him lightly. After sniffing Illumi’s shampooed hair, Chrollo hovered lower Illumi’s body and pulled on Illumi’s pajamas pants lightly.

Illumi was stirred from his sleep. He looked downward and his eyes widened when he saw Chrollo was stroking him. He yelled and tried to push Chrollo away but failed as the stronger one pushed him back by his chest and began to kiss his neck. “No, get away from me! What is wrong with you?”

“Sshhh. It’s in the middle of the night, darling. Don’t get too loud. Pretty sure you don’t want your neighbors to know about this right?” Chrollo said while covering Illumi’s lips with his palm. Ignoring his warning, Illumi continued to plead and kicked Chrollo to release himself. Chrollo pinned both of his arms above his head and began to free his hard erection. Without much preparation, he entered Illumi forcefully. Illumi gasped in pain.

“Aahh! Why are you doing like this? Release me. It’s pain.”

“It’s because I love you, Illumi. I love you so much.” He gasped.

Illumi continued to groan in pain as Chrollo takes him. They then fell asleep later with tears streaming down Illumi’s eyes.

\----------

Having to wake up in the morning for school was hateful enough for everyone but for Illumi, he felt worst as he has to go for lectures with a dull sensation in his ass. Just as he was ascending the staircase heading to a different lecture hall, he felt someone pulled at his hair from behind. He cursed internally for whomever stupid enough to play a prank on him at the staircase. However, his curses stopped when he saw the idiot’s face. It was the redhead. The redhead just smiled and said “Hi” to him and descent down with his friends. As quizzical as Illumi, he just turned back and continued his way.

It was during the club meeting that he met the redhead again. Illumi was practicing archery when the redhead approached him. “Having a hard time, dear? Let me show you how.” The redhead moved closer to him and stopped behind him. As the redhead held his left hand to support the bow, he felt his heart skipped a beat. The redhead then held his right hand to pull at the arrow. When he released the shot, it hit the mark at the center. People from the surrounding applauded for the great shot.

“Thanks,” Illumi said in low voice.

“No problem, dear. How about I teach you how to become a great archer, Illumi? I might not look like it but I’m pretty good at this. That’s why the president never bothers about me.” He said in prideful tone.

“Yes, and thanks for your willingness to teach me but how do you know my name? I believe I haven’t told you my name before.”

“It’s a s.e.c.r.e.t.” He said. Illumi narrowed his eyes. “Have you forgotten that you introduced yourself during the first club meeting? I paid attention to the introduction section, okay?” he winked.

“Ah…” Illumi recalled.

“By the way, don’t you want to know my name too?” Hisoka asked.

“Not really.” Illumi teased him back and Hisoka pouted. Illumi lips turned up seeing Hisoka like that. “Oh, why did you pull my hair this morning?”

“This is because your hair is asking me to, dear. It is practically begging me to touch them, to cares for them.” Hisoka playfully answered.

At that moment, Illumi decided that the redhead, no, Hisoka was an extravagant person with the way he speaks and acts. But he did not realize that he enjoyed Hisoka’s extravasation. He didn’t know how much the words came out of him was true, but he felt lighten being around with him. Soon, both of them slowly got to know about each other and spent more time together in the campus during lunch and club activities.


	2. Chapter 2

Illumi and Hisoka were spending the lunchtime together on the rooftop as usual. Hisoka’s back was leaning against the drills when he asked for Illumi’s phone number for the _n_th time. Every time he will say the same line and Illumi will give him the same answer. The only difference was the reasons that Hisoka gave. There was a time when he said it was for pure collection and there was a time when he said it was for an emergency. Nevertheless, he was persistent about Illumi’s phone number.

“Neh, what is your phone number?”

“Why do you ask?”

“It’s nothing important. It is just that maybe I will call you out for supper sometimes.” Hisoka replied while sketching something in his sketchbook.

“I don’t eat supper, Hisoka. So, no.”

“Ceh, you are no fun, dear Lumi.” Hisoka pouted.

“Even though I give it to you, you will eventually lose it, don’t you?” Hisoka just threw his head to the side and pursed his lips.

Illumi doesn’t mind sharing his number with Hisoka. It’s was just that he likes to tease him and see his pursed lips, like a child when Hisoka is older than Illumi. But at the same time, Illumi also wanted to see how long Hisoka will keep this up. “Come on let’s go. It is almost time for the next lecture to start.” Illumi offered his left hand to help Hisoka get up but Hisoka ignored him.

“I’m not going if you didn’t give me your number today. If I get punished for skipping classes, then it will be your fault.”

“Are you blackmailing me, Hisoka?”

“No, it is not like that. I just hope that someone will not forget that I’m in my third year now and I don’t afford to let my pointers to drop as it will be late to catch up later.”

Illumi surrendered. “Okay, I will give you my number. So, come on. Let’s go already.”

Hearing this, Hisoka beamed and jumped up from his spot. “Finally you are willing to give it to me? Aww, so you care about me after all. So sweet, my beautiful Lumi.” Hisoka just can’t let go of any opportunity to tease Illumi.

“Who said I care about you. I just don’t want to get blamed for your dark future later.”

“Aww, your angry face is cute too, Lumi. So, what is your phone number?”

Illumi search through his beg to take out a pen and wrote on Hisoka’s palm. “I’m not giving it to you again if you washed it away.”

“Okay.” Hisoka winked. “By the way, would you be waiting all day for my call later?”

“As if I will. Don’t be so self-confident, okay?” Illumi said expressionless and walked away leaving the heavenly blessed cheerful Hisoka.

\----------

It was just like what Hisoka had said, Illumi kept peering at his phone all the time at home, even when he was doing his tutorial work. _“Why is that idiot still haven’t call or texted me yet? Did he just fool me again?”_ Illumi thought and slightly irritated with himself for being a moron for falling for it.

“What is wrong, Illumi? Are the questions that difficult? Your hand stopped writing for a while now.” Chrollo asked.

Startled, Illumi quickly finds a reason “Ah, yes. I will just find some reference in the school library tomorrow.”

Chrollo moved from his seat and gently pressed behind Illumi. “Maybe you should take some rest to relax a little bit.”

Pretending not to notice the boner in Chrollo’s pants, Illumi slowly stood and turned to look at Chrollo in the eyes. “Didn’t you mentioned that you are going out to meet your friends tonight? I think you should be on your way now. Otherwise, you will be late.”

“Alright. You want to come with me?” Chrollo invited.

“No, Chrollo. No need to worry about me, I will just take a bath and turn in early today. I’m kind of tired now.”

“Okay, sweet dreams.” Chrollo kissed Illumi on the cheek and left. Relieved that Chrollo had left, Illumi returned to his room and checked on his phone again. _“Still no notification.”_ Sighing, Illumi went to bath and sleep.

\----------

Illumi was enjoying his bento on the rooftop when Hisoka finally appear with that shit-eating grin on his face that Illumi has grown to fond of and sat next to him. “I’m sorry for being late as my lecturer refused to let us out until she finished the new topic. How is your weekend, dear?

“As usual, nothing special happened particularly.”

Sensing the different in Illumi tone, Hisoka asked, “Are you mad, dear?”

“No.”

“Yes, you are. Did I do something wrong? But I’m certain that I didn’t …” Hisoka trilled off. “Ah, you are mad at me because I didn’t contact you in the last few days? I’m sorry, dear. I dropped my phone and the screen broke, so I sent it for repair. I saved all my contacts in the phone storage, so I couldn’t retrieve it. I can get back my phone today. I promise I will text you later today. Please forgive me, Lumi. Please…”

Illumi considered Hisoka’s words if he should forgive him. Knowing Hisoka as a mischievous person, not all that he said is true. Nevertheless, Illumi does feel light-hearted now seeing Hisoka’s sorry face. However, Illumi pretended to be mad and ignored Hisoka who was colliding sideways at his shoulder for forgiveness. When Illumi attempted to swing Hisoka arms away, Hisoka lost balance and dropped on top of Illumi. Their eyes widen and blinked at each other, nose almost touching and close enough to feel each other breath. None of them moved. People around them whistled at them. Hisoka blinked and lifted himself slightly but still straddling Illumi between his arms.

Flushed, Illumi said in a low voice “How long are you going to straddling me? Get up.”

“I’m not getting up until you forgive me, Lumi. Please…”

“Are you blackmailing me again? You are not fair.”

“You are wrong, dear. Although I love your angry face as much as your beautiful long hair, I just don’t want you to be mad at me, not even for a minute, dear.” The small smile that slipped from Illumi mouth told Hisoka that he was forgiven. However, Hisoka pressed him again, “If you still don’t forgive me, I will kiss you now.”

Illumi eyes widen “Okay, okay. I forgive you. So, get up already, Hisoka” Illumi surrendered, pushing Hisoka up by his chest.

Hisoka smiled and lifted himself. Illumi then pushed himself up as well. “Will you hang out with me at the library after school today too?” Hisoka questioned.

“Yes, I want to do my thing there as well.” Illumi nodded. Other than spending time together during lunch and club activities, they also started to stay back after school in the library. There, they will chat and work together. As for Illumi, he could avoid being at home with Chrollo too.

At night, Hisoka texted Illumi as promised. Luckily for Illumi, Chrollo had left when Hisoka texted him. Soon, it has become a habit as they will text each other every night until either one of them fell asleep.

\----------

After some time, Hisoka started to ask Illumi to hang out with him at the nearby shopping mall after completing all lectures of the day for food, movies and, karaoke.

On one day when Illumi passed through the mall entrance, he felt someone holding his hand. Instinctively, Illumi pulled his hand back with an annoyance face and surprised when he turned to see Hisoka. “Haha, so you don’t like people to hold your hand?”

“Ah? No, I’m just surprised.” It was true. Although Illumi is in a relationship with Chrollo, Chrollo has never held his hand when they went out. Moreover, since they rarely go out together, so the number of times for them to hold hands is even rarer. _“What should I do? Hisoka will think that I hate him now.” _Illumi regretted.

After some window shopping, Hisoka asked, “Are you alright, dear? You are quiet today.”

Illumi shakes his head “I’m just a little bit tired.” He lied.

“Really?” Hisoka looked around for empty benches. “Let’s get some rest over there, okay?” Illumi nodded.

Hisoka held Illumi hand and lead him to the bench, “Do you want me to buy you some drinks?” Illumi was surprised and too happy to respond to Hisoka.

After seated, Illumi whispers, “Hisoka, I’m sorry.” When Hisoka didn’t say anything, Illumi continues, “I’m sorry for just now.”

Hisoka looks puzzled but laughed. “You mean just now? You are overthinking, dear. I’m not angry or insulted. I’m happy with you as you are cautious with your surroundings. So, please cheer up, okay?” Illumi nodded and felt better. “Lumi, do you know that you look very cute when you blushed?”

Illumi eyes widen in realization and immediately covers his face with both of his hands. “No, I didn’t blush.”

“Yes, you are.” Hisoka put Illumi hands away from his face. Their eyes fixed on their joined hands. Illumi could feel that his heart beat faster. Illumi was so shy and tried to pull his hand away but Hisoka’s holds tighten and pulled their hands close to his chest. “Can you feel my heart? My heart is pumping so hard that I think I’m going to have a heart attack.” Hisoka looked Illumi in the eyes. “You know what? I want to hold your hands for the longest time and now I’m not letting your hands go, Lumi.” And so, Hisoka and Illumi started to get together.

\----------

As the day passes, Illumi became more anxious. Chrollo was his first relationship. Illumi has decided to break up with him but didn’t hope to anger him as Chrollo is his childhood friend and he wishes they could still be a friend after, if possible. Therefore, he doesn’t know how to initiate the breakup. Whenever Chrollo tried to initiate intimacy with him, he will dodge him with reasons.

One day, when Illumi was washing the dishes after dinner, his phone beeps in the living room. Chrollo who has been suspicious checked on his notification and saw Hisoka name. He then slowly approached Illumi from behind sliding his arms around his waist and start kissing his neck. Illumi jolted and immediately stopped washing to push Chrollo away. “Mm, come on darling, let me take you tonight.” The arms on his waist sliding lower to reach Illumi’s front.

“Stop Chrollo, I don’t feel like doing this tonight.” Illumi tried to avoid.

“But it has been a long time since we…”

“Stop it, Chrollo!” Illumi slapped him and everything stopped. “I’m sorry Chrollo but let’s end this relationship. Let’s just be friends as to how we were before.” Illumi gasped.

“You want to break up? Are you serious? Sorry, my answer is ‘No’. Do you know how much I love you? I had been in love with you since we were young.”

Before Illumi realized his intent, Chrollo caught him by the arms. His kiss was so sudden and fierce that for a second he was a bit taken back but immediately pushes him away.

“Why, Illumi? Why have you changed? Do you have someone else other than me now?” Illumi froze. “So it’s true, huh. Why? How is the guy? Is he the guy named Hisoka who you always messaging with? I’m going to find and kill him!” Chrollo yelled and turned to leave in search of Hisoka.

Seeing the angry Chrollo scared Illumi because Chrollo had been a fan of martial arts when he was young and started to learn when he entered elementary school and participated in a few tournaments representing his school. He held onto Chrollo to stop him from leaving. “No, Chrollo. It is not his fault. It was me who has a change of heart first. Please don’t hurt him.” he cried.

Hearing this angered Chrollo further. “What? Did you beg me just for him? You aren’t supposed to be like this, Illumi. What has he done to you?”

“He has done nothing to me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please stop this.” Illumi can only shake his head.

Chrollo closed the gap and hugged Illumi, “It’s okay, darling. It’s not your fault. It’s just that you are momentary emotionally attached to him and caught in the moment. But it’s not real. As time passes, you will forget the feeling. So, you should just tell him that you are in a relationship me with and stop contacting him anymore, okay?”

Illumi does not know what to do now. Is it really as what Chrollo has said that his feeling to Hisoka was all just some momentary emotionally attached? He was very confused. He doesn’t know what to do anymore but he was sure that he must calm Chrollo down. He just nodded.


	3. Chapter 3

_“What should I do? I love Hisoka and want to be with him. I enjoyed the days where we were so happy together. But I have hurt him when he was so sincere to me. I can’t continue to lie to him about this. But once I tell him the truth, he and I will go separate ways. I don’t deserve someone like him. Moreover, I must end this so Chrollo will not act recklessly against him. Yes, I must end this today. Perhaps it was just like what Chrollo had described. It was just a crush. Yeah, that’s right. I can do this, I must do this.”_ Illumi persuaded himself.

  
“Which movie do you want to watch today, Lumi? Do you want to eat popcorn at the theatre later? Hmm, I think I would like to try the seaweed flavor today. How about you? Lumi? Hello, are you there?” Hisoka playfully disturbed Illumi’s line of thought as he waves his hand in his face.

  
Illumi blinked, “Ah, I don’t feel like eating anything today, thanks Hisoka.”

  
“Really? Let me tell you, I’m not sharing my pop-corn with you later.” Hisoka teased. “Are you okay, Lumi? You are not like your usual self. Are you feeling well?” Hisoka put the back of his hand on Illumi’s temple to check for fever. “Hmm, you don’t seem like get a fever though.”

  
Just the thought that Hisoka cares about him and their little happy moments as well as hearing his voice made Illumi wants to cry. He tried to hold back his tears but failed and he quickly wiped off his tears with his hands and tried to distract himself. “Ah, I will go get the tickets. You queue for your pop-corn, okay?” Without waiting for Hisoka’s answer, he just walked away.

  
In the theatre, Illumi grabbed the popcorn and watched the movie while leaning on Hisoka’s shoulder. Hisoka smiled seeing the childish Illumi despite his worries. When they walk out of the theatre later, Illumi grabbed Hisoka’s hand and they stopped in their tracks. “I have something to tell you.” he murmured with his head down.

\----------

They found a café and sat at the corner of the room. After the waitress left their table with their orders, Illumi started, “Sorry Hisoka, but I have to break up with you.” Hisoka’s smile faded as he continues, “Actually, I have someone else before meeting you. I know that I’m the most horrible person in the world but please…I hope you know that my feeling for you is true. I know that I did the most terrible mistake in life and have hurt you. I know saying all these will cause you to hate me and you might not want to see me anymore, but I just can’t continue to lie to you. I love you, Hisoka but I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sorry.” Illumi confessed while he can’t stop his body from shivering. There is a moment of silence between them. Illumi does not dare to look into Hisoka eyes. “I’m sorry, Hisoka and bye.” he finished.

  
When Illumi begins to turn around to leave, Hisoka stood to grab his wrist and intertwined their fingers. “Hold on, Illumi! Please?” Hisoka ushered Illumi to sit again. “Do you mean that you have a boyfriend while we are together?” Illumi nodded. “And you want to break up with me to be with him?”

  
“No, it’s not like that. I love you and I want to be with you, but I can’t. Long before we met, I had been thinking to break up with him but I didn’t. He found out about us. I have no choice. I must break up with you, but I don’t wish to. I’m confused and don’t know what to do now.”

  
“Why must you break up with me if you don’t want to? Did he force you to do it? Illumi shook his head. “Then why are you ending our relationship? Did you not want to be with me? Illumi continued to shake his head in disagreement when he saw Chrollo walked pass the café. Illumi’s eyes widen in surprise and immediately hold Hisoka’s hand and searched in his pocket to drop the payment for their drinks.

  
“Hurry! Let’s go.” Illumi said.

  
“Why?”

  
“He is here. I can’t let him see you. We are both going to die.” Illumi replied while sneakily rushed out of the café with Hisoka following close behind.

  
“Why do you scare of him? We are going to be just fine. He can’t just separate us like this. I will face and tell him.”

  
“No, please don’t. Hisoka, please listen to me, okay? Just this once, okay? He is strong as he knows martial arts. I won’t allow him to hurt you. I will do whatever I can to prevent it from happening.”

  
“Illumi.” Hisoka pulled him into a hug. Although Illumi was surprised and didn’t push him away, he was busier and wary of their position being found by Chrollo. “Illumi, there is no need for you to worry about me. I won’t let him hurt either of us, I promise. You are so silly, my Lumi.” When Illumi looked at Hisoka eyes, Hisoka kissed him openly at the middle of the mall. People from the surrounding looked at them. “Come let’s go, my silly Lumi.” Hisoka grinned at him led him back to his place.

\----------

Hisoka’s apartment was smaller as it was an apartment for one. It was considered as tidy although it was full of drawings and paints. As Illumi refused to return home due to Chrollo might be waiting for him there, Hisoka offered to keep him there for the night. While Illumi was showering, Hisoka quickly prepares another bed on the floor for himself and intended to let Illumi use his comfy bed.

  
“Lumi, you can use my bed tonight. I will just sleep on this one. Hisoka said while pointing to his new bed when Illumi was out from the bathroom.

  
“Thanks, Hisoka. But I can sleep on…”

  
“It’s fine, dear. I can’t possibly let my beautiful Lumi to just sleep on the couch or the floor, can’t I? I will go take a shower. You just get yourselves at home and rest soon. You must be tired after all of today.”

  
In the middle of the night, while both were resting in respective bed, Illumi uttered, “Thanks, Hisoka for having me here tonight after all I had done to you.”

  
Hisoka turned to face Illumi side, “What do you mean?”

  
“I mean that I have hurt you and all. I’m terribly sorry.” Illumi answered while looking up at the ceiling.

  
“Why would you think like that? I don’t care about the two-timing matter if you truly care about me. Moreover, you want to be with me. It was just that he forcefully and manipulatively asked you to break up with me.”

  
Illumi’s heart ached when Hisoka mentioned about the two-timing matter. It felt like somebody shot your heart as usually shown in the drama. He was so guilty about his mistakes and stupidity. He thought to himself that he shouldn’t have two-timing in the first place. He should have cut off the relationship with Chrollo first before start together with Hisoka. He should be more firmed and determined to break up with Chrollo. The least is, he shouldn’t have told Hisoka about the presence of Chrollo in the first place while he firmly and quickly settles between them. This way, Hisoka wouldn’t have hurt at all. He regretted so much about his stupidity, weakness, and inexperience.

  
When there was no respond from Illumi, Hisoka sat up to look at Illumi if he was asleep but in time to see tears running down of Illumi’s face even though he tried to hide by turning to the other side. “Illumi? Are you crying? Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry but I didn’t mean to.”, Hisoka nervously kneel-walking beside Illumi.

  
“What are you saying? I’m not crying, idiot. Just go to sleep, Hisoka.” Illumi lied.

  
“Please, I’m sorry my dear. I’ve never meant to hurt you, I apologies.” Hisoka said as he climbed up the single bed and hugged Illumi from the back tightly.

  
Before he turned around, Illumi wiped his tears with his hands. “It is cramped here, Hisoka. You are fat.” he jokingly said.

  
“Huh? I’m not fat. I just have a muscled build body. You, on the other hand, should eat more as you are so slim that I believe I could hold you with a single hand.” Hisoka retorted.

  
This closeness between them was the first time for them. They were so close that they could feel the breath of each other. They looked into each other eyes and after a while, they busted into laughter like they usually do. Moment like this was what Illumi likes and treasures the most when they are together. He doesn’t want to lose it and refuses to let go.

  
Keeping their eyes locked, Hisoka slides his fingers along Illumi’s long hair. “As long as you are happy, I’m happy as well, dear,” Hisoka whispered. Illumi felt like tearing again after hearing that but didn’t and just nodded in silent. Hisoka moved closer to put his lips on Illumi and he accepted it. They hugged each other and fell asleep.

  
Illumi woke up before Hisoka in the morning. Perhaps it was due to the morning sunlight or the closeness, he thinks Hisoka’s hair color looks more vibrant and his skin looks paler. He gently brushed Hisoka’ hair and traveled his facial features with his fingertip. His eyebrows, his eyelashes, his cheekbones, his nose, and his lips. He hasn’t been thinking anything until his fingertip stopped. He has made up his mind.

\----------

When Illumi reached his apartment, he saw Chrollo sitting in the living room waiting for him. The moment he closes the door, Chrollo asked “Where have you been last night? You have never told me that you wouldn’t be around yesterday, so I just waited inside your apartment. I couldn’t reach you over the phone as yours has been switched off. Do you even know how much I will worry about you?”

  
“I’m sorry for worrying you. I have made up my minds now. I want to…”

  
“You must be hungry now, right? Why don’t you just rest a bit while I go buy you some breakfast? I will be back soon.” Chrollo cut him off.

  
“No, Chrollo. You can’t avoid this forever. I must tell you today. I want to break up with you.” Illumi stated clearly and Chrollo stopped in his tracks.

  
Chrollo turned back to face Illumi, “So, it is true that you spent the night with him yesterday. You have sex with him yesterday and I foolishly waited for you all night. How could you do this to me?” Chrollo cried.

  
“It wasn’t like that. There is nothing happened between him and me yesterday. He is not like you.”

  
“You lied. It is impossible nothing happened between you guys. And you lied when you said that you will break up with him.” he grabbed Illumi‘s arms.

  
“I was too confused to think that day but now I’m very certain that I want to end our relationship.”

  
“No, I will never end it. You belong to me. You are mine.” Chrollo pushed Illumi onto the bed and climbed up to straddle him while pinning his hands above his head.

  
“Release me! There is no point to keep me around if my heart belongs to someone else.” Illumi turned and struggled as Chrollo tried to kiss him.

  
“That is not true, you are just confused and momentarily caught at the moments. As time passes, you will realize that I treat you best and love you most.”

  
Chrollo heard a sobbing voice when they stopped struggling. Illumi who has been turning and moving was now curled up as small as a bean except for his hands, cried lowly in exhaustion. “Let me go, please…”

  
A realization washed over him that Illumi has never stopped pledging for the break up even in the state he was in. “I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He wiped his tears and slides his hair from his face “Look at me, Illumi. Look at me!” Illumi refused to turn his face to see him but continued with his murmuring. “What you want me to do, darling? I just want you to be happy. I want to love you and give you everything, but you still want to be with him. Why?” Chrollo cried.

  
“Can you swear to me that you will be happy with him? And if he ever leaves you, you will come back to me? Can you?” Chrollo surrendered.

  
Illumi turned to look at Chrollo in the eyes, “I swear I will be happy with him and I will return to you if he ever leaves me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t find happiness for life.” He swore without thinking much as he was very certain of his feeling for Hisoka and believed Hisoka will reciprocal his loves.

  
Hearing these, Chrollo nodded with a sigh. He kissed Illumi on his temple and left the apartment. That was the last time he saw each other.

  
That evening, Hisoka called Illumi and he told Hisoka that he had settled the issue leaving out the swearing part.


	4. Chapter 4

As usual, Hisoka and Illumi were happy together in the campus and when they were out for dating. Sometimes, they will sleepover at each other place but never engaged in sex.

On one morning when Illumi woke up, Hisoka was sleeping on him pressing his head on his ribs like a pillow. Illumi smiled and happy.

  
“Good morning, dear Lumi.” Hisoka yawned while rubbing his eyes.

  
“Good morning. Today is Friday, you don’t have any lectures and I won’t have one until 5 pm later. How do you want to spend our time until then?”

  
“Ah, I almost forget that tonight I have to go with my coursemate friends for camping and I will be back on next Monday morning! So, let’s just spend the time here cuddling up until we have to get apart.” Hisoka purred at Illumi like a cat.

  
“Why you have never mentioned this to me before? And who wants to cuddle with you?” Illumi pretended.

  
“How mean, my dear Lumi.” Their eyes locked. When Hisoka wants to kiss him, Illumi covered his mouth with his hand and Hisoka only kissed at the back of his hand. One of Hisoka eyes lifted, “Why? You don’t want to kiss me, my dear?”

  
“No, we haven't brush our teeth.”

  
“Does it matter?” Hisoka moved his hand away and kissed him deeply. They broke away when both were breathless. While their eyes were still locked with each other, Hisoka hands traveled down to touch Illumi’s. Illumi tried to cross his legs but Hisoka held them open with his legs. Illumi blushed red and moaned as Hisoka started to stroke him. “You are so beautiful, my dear. Let me hear more of your voice.” He kissed and sucked on his neck.

  
Illumi was aroused. He felt hot and can’t hold back his moans as Hisoka continued to stroke him. When Hisoka brushed his finger over his entrance, he moaned harder. He was surprised when Hisoka put his hand to touch his erection. Illumi stroked him while Hisoka prepares him with his precum. Illumi was happy as he felt loved just as much as he loves Hisoka. Their first time was blissful and Illumi wished the moments could move slower to a stop there forever.

  
In the afternoon when Illumi was about to leave the apartment for lectures, Hisoka called him from his room, “Don’t miss me so much, Lumi. I will see you next week.” Illumi smiled and left the place.

\----------

They didn’t contact each other over the weekends. Illumi was so excited to see him again at the campus during lunch hour but Hisoka never showed up. He began to worry for no reasons. He can’t see him anywhere on the campus nor reached him over the phone. On the next day, he saw Hisoka hanging out with his friends. When he rushed over to see him, Hisoka immediately turned around and walked away with his friends when he notices Illumi. His stomach dropped.

  
Illumi got to see Hisoka here and there sometimes on the campus. The time in between lectures, campus events, club activities which Hisoka still shows up occasionally and etc. However, never once he got the chance to talk to him. Illumi doesn’t know what happened. Why is with the sudden changes. So, he was still hopeful that Hisoka still loves him and he was happy with just being able to see him from far once in a while until one day, he finally got the answer he has yearned for so long.

  
One day when Illumi was on his way to go back, he met Hisoka at the corner of the corridor. They almost bumped into each other but by reflexes, both of them stopped. Just when Hisoka was about to leave, Illumi turned and asked, “What has happened actually? Won’t you at least give me a reason, Hisoka?”

  
Without turning around, Hisoka answered before he walked away, “It was just like how you didn’t love him, now I also stopped loving you.”

  
Illumi’s world stopped moving for a second. He can’t breathe or think anything at the moment. He just stood there looking at Hisoka’s back until he can’t see him anymore. He was prepared for the worst outcome, but never knew out of all reasons, this was what he gets. He was still too shocked to react. As he moves, he started to cry. _“I swear I will be happy with him and I will return to you if he ever leaves me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t find happiness for life.”_ He flashes back and remembered how confident he was when he swore on that day. He cried harder at his own foolishness to even imagined tons and tons of reasons to cover the reality before.

  
They never saw each other again after that. Illumi stopped paying attention to his surrounding as he was before to detect Hisoka out of many people. He also started to skip club meetings and lock himself up at home except for lectures.

\----------

Illumi was there to congratulate on his senior’s graduation when he saw Hisoka in his graduation robe from far. Their eyes met but Illumi immediately turned to look away.

  
There was still around two years until Illumi’s graduation. Illumi focused on his studies, never met with another person or return to Chrollo. After he has graduated, he found a job in another city.

  
Before he moves, he dropped a black gift box in front of Hisoka’s apartment without knowing if he was still living there. Inside the box was the things he found while cleaning the apartment. It was the movie tickets they have watched, photos they took, hair band which Hisoka gave him as present and a little piece of paper from Hisoka with _‘I like you’_ written on it. Now that he thinks about it, Hisoka has never said he loves Illumi other than that piece of paper. Illumi grimaced at the realization. He then changed his contact number and blocked Hisoka from social media.

\----------

Years after that, Illumi begin to forget the pain in his chest whenever he listened to the love songs which he used to cry with when it first happened. He used to imagine that they were the main characters of the songs and movies. He also slowly to forget his face and name until one day he was completely unable to recall his name even when he tried to. He thought he can finally start his new life but even after so many years, Illumi was still unable to accept and fall in love with anyone who tried to pursue him. He began to think that he has lost the ability to love and to be loved. He thought that this was his punishment for being a jerk. Sometimes, he will just get himself drunk and wasted in the bar. He doesn’t care about anything anymore.

  
One day when he started to get drunk at the regular bar, someone grabbed his back and invited him home. Illumi rejected the guy as he doesn’t feel like doing it that night, but that guy persisted and started to shout. Luckily, a man approached and blocked the guy before he hits Illumi. The drunk ran away and Illumi thanks the stranger for his help. When he looked up, he tilted his head as the one who saved him looks very familiar but cannot recall. Before the other says anything, Illumi paid and excused himself.

  
As he stumbled away, someone pulled him by the shoulder to the restroom. He choked when the other pushed him to the wall and forced their lips on him. Illumi weakly hit the other and screamed for help when the stranger from before entered and hit the guy. “How dare you! Just leave him alone, okay? Want me to hit you some more?”

  
_“Huh, the voice of him is familiar too. Who exactly is him?”_ he asked himself and his eyes blinked opened when he recalled. The bad guy ran out when Illumi focused on the person in front of him. _“It’s him!”_

  
“Thanks for saving me again,” he said with his eyes down and ran out as well.

  
“No, wait!” the other said.

  
_“No, I can’t let him see me like this. I must get out of here quick. I don’t want to meet him ever again.”_ he screamed in his head. He ran and hide in an alley nearby and has decided to wait until he was sober again. Before he collapsed, he cried, _“How unsightly”._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this is the last chapter of the story.  
I have plotted 3 different scenarios but chose to pick this one.   
I wonder if everyone like how the story ends.

He woke up in a hotel room with a headache. He turned to look at the window to see the sky was still dark outside. He was about to doze off when the sound of the shower stopped and the person inside came out. It was Hisoka. Illumi’s eyes blinked opened and sat up. He stared and followed Hisoka’s movement.

  
“You are awake? How do you feel? Still feel like throwing up?” When there was no respond from Illumi, Hisoka continued, “How are you? It has been a long time. I hope you are good.”

  
_“You hope I’m good? How can I be good when you did that to me?”_

  
“You shouldn’t go there again. At least, not alone.”

  
_“Who are you to tell me about this? I won’t have to go there if…”_

  
“Are you still mad at me, Lumi?” Illumi began to sob when he heard him call him that way. How long has it been since he heard it? “Whoops, Sorry, sorry. Did I just say something wrong? Please don’t cry, okay?” Hisoka nervously approached Illumi to hand him some tissues. Illumi jolted when their hand touched and held up his hands to block Hisoka from coming closer. Seeing his reaction, Hisoka stepped back and sat on the chair opposite the bed with downcast eyes and said, “You must hate me now, right? Yes, of course you do. I have hurt you. There is no denying in this.”

  
_“As long as you are happy, I’m happy as well.”, “Don’t miss me so much, Lumi.”, “It was just like how you didn’t love him, now I also stopped loving you.”_ Illumi flashbacked. These sentences have never stopped haunting him. It reminds him that he deserved the outcome. That he was the worst, dirty and pathetic. His hands began to shiver, and his breathing became labored. As he felt lightheaded, he hugged himself and closed his eyes. His hands scratched his arms hard.

  
“Are you alright, Lumi? Don’t scare me like this.” Hisoka rushed over to check on Illumi. Illumi yelled and pushed him away. He held his hands tightly to control his shivering. Hisoka closed in again to hold him close. Illumi screamed and twisted around to free himself but failed. “I’m sorry, dear. I’m wrong. Please listen to me, Lumi. It was all my fault that I stopped contacting you. I was too young at that time to realize my true feeling for you and actions. Please forgive me, dear. Let’s start all over again, okay?” He whispered while patting his head. Illumi stopped struggling but continued to cry in his arms.

  
When Illumi calmed down, Hisoka leaned back to look into Illumi eyes, “I’m sorry, Lumi. I love you. I really love you, Lumi. I don’t know how to express myself, but I want you to know that I miss you. When I realized how wrong and mean I am to you, I was too late as you have left. I am unable to find you as you have gone from my life. Please Illumi, please forgive me and lets us be like how we used to be, okay?” Hisoka confessed while holding Illumi’s hands.

  
“I miss you.” He repeated.

  
Illumi who has been looking at their joined hands mumbled, “I miss you too,” and they kissed.

  
Hisoka patted on Illumi’s hair when he was sleeping next to him. He can see that there were still some tears lingers on Illumi’s closed eyes. He kissed his temple and promised to himself that he will treasure Illumi, loves him and takes good care of him forever. He no longer wants to see Illumi so sad like how he was on his graduation. That day when their eyes met briefly, he can see how tired Illumi was. It was as if he has given up dozens of times. His heart shattered at the thought of it again.

\----------

Illumi was surprised to wake up in Hisoka arms. He moved out of the bed and sat on the floor looking at Hisoka with disbelieving eyes. _“What happened yesterday?”_ he slowly recalls. _“We met, he brought me here and we kissed? No way, it is impossible! I can’t believe this. I need to go before he wakes up.”_ He rushed to leave but slipped when he stepped on the Hisoka’s towel.

  
Hisoka was stirred from his sleep and noticed that Illumi was crawling to the door. He was wide-awake and stumbled across the bed to stop Illumi. He caught hold of Illumi and squeezed tightly from behind him. They slide down to the ground, “No, wait Lumi! Please,”

  
“Release me!”

  
“Lumi, I know that you are unable to forgive me and love me again, but please give me a chance and allow me to stay with you to overcome every challenge in the future. I’m not doing this to redeem myself but sincerely want to be with you and take care of you. I love you, Illumi.”

  
“I feel the same, but it is impossible!” Illumi sobbed and Hisoka just looks at his back. “I can’t let this happen again. I can’t go through all this again and I can’t let you break me again! Or else, I won’t be able to walk out of it again.”

  
“Illumi...” Hisoka loosen his hold and they just sat on the floor.

  
After sometime, Illumi stood and held on the door knob, “Give me some time, okay?”

  
Hisoka looked up in surprise, “Um, sure Lumi.” Illumi was gone before he got the chance to ask for his number. “Lumi,…”

\-----------

Hisoka visited the same bar everyday hoping to meet Illumi there again.

  
“I see that you come here again, sir. Who exactly are you waiting at here?” the bartender asked.

  
“What make you think I’m waiting for someone here?”

  
“I don’t see you socialize here but just keep looking at the entrance. So, you must be expecting someone to visit.”

  
“I see. Yes, you are right. I’m waiting for someone here. Someone who are very special to me.”

  
“Why aren’t you just go to find that person?”

  
Hisoka just shakes his head and grimaced at his thought. _“I will if I can, but I don’t know what his contact number is, where he works and lives, nor anything about his family. Now that I think about it, I know nothing about him. He never mentioned about his stuffs and before I get the chance, I ran away from him. I’m the worst!”_

  
As Hisoka deep in his thoughts, the doorbell of the entrance chimes. The new visitor sat next to him without asking and ordered a same drink as Hisoka.

Hisoka lifted his head up to see Illumi sitting next to him. His eyes went wide, and he can’t close his jaw. When he comes into, he held Illumi’s hands and said, “Lumi, you are finally here! I thought I have lost you again.”

  
When the bartender came back with his drink, Illumi retrieved his hands. “Thanks” he said to the bartender.

  
“Hisoka, I think…” Illumi started but Hisoka cut him off.

  
“It’s fine, Lumi. Even if you only think of me as a friend now, I’m fine with it. I just hope that we could have a drink together sometimes.” Hisoka said nervously and slowly lowered his head.

  
“Thanks, Hisoka.” Illumi said and Hisoka’s heart dropped. “I also think maybe we can start off as a friend first and get to know more of each other before we consider if we suit each other.”

  
Hisoka turned to his side, “Does that means I still have the chance, Lumi?” Illumi nodded.

  
Hisoka was so happy and lunged forward to give Illumi a big hug. “Whoops, I’m sorry, Lumi. I ‘m so glad that I acted before I think.” He scratched the back of his head. “But thanks, Lumi. I promise I will not disappoint you again.” Illumi just smiled and nodded.

  
“By the way, can I have your contact number again? Let me say this, I still have your old one but…”

  
Thus, they started to be friends again, learn more of each other , build up trust and slowly progress to be a couple again.

\-----End-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relationships are not predestined.  
They cannot be guaranteed.  
So, if you meet someone willing to grasp your hand  
tightly, please try not to let go lightly.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
